To read in chronological order, start from the bottom up
A Bittersweet Trip to OregonPosted May 19th, 2009
Just within an hour or two of writing my most recent entry, Janina called me about going to Oregon to see Grandmamom; she and Papa were flying out on Friday, and Mama was already there. I became very emotional after the call. I felt a little jealous for one thing that everyone was going to go out there and I probably couldn’t. I wanted to go, but I wasn’t sure if the pregnancy would allow it, and I was very busy and had obligations. I was also feeling saddened that Grandmamom’s health was bad enough that people felt the need to go out and see her as soon as they could, I wanted to see her while I still had a chance, too. Part of me was in denial.
After some discussion with Ben, and debating with myself, we decided I would indeed go ahead and fly out to Oregon while I still could. It was probably the latest point in the pregnancy that I could fly safely, and I wanted to see Grandmamom before it was too late, we just didn’t know how much longer she had. So, on Thursday we booked a last minute round trip flight for me go out that Saturday, April 11th. I had to work at the bakery Friday and we had a childbirth class to attend Friday night.
I got clearance from my doctor to go, though I had to wait for an answer and the office never faxed the clearance to me like they said, so I had to go to the office and pick it up myself, and they didn’t even have anything ready. I also cancelled my prenatal appointment for that week since I’d be gone.
I was a little concerned about flying, so before we left for the airport on Saturday I had Ben give me a blessing. He said that all will be well. I prepared for the flight by getting snacks and wearing light summer clothing to keep cool.
About 10 or 15 minutes into the drive to Boston, Janina called my cell phone. Her voice was somber. She said that she wanted to let me know that “Grandmamom passed away about half an hour ago.”
I instantly felt grief. “She did?” I said through my tears, “I missed seeing her!” Janina said that I would have only seen her sleeping anyway. That made me feel a little better, but I was also kicking myself for not scheduling the flight for the day before. We were both crying, and Ben was using his touch to comfort me. Janina and I talked a little about logistics of getting me from the airport, and we said goodbye.
Ben was sad with me, but I don’t think he actually cried. I was still glad that I was at least going out there, even though it turned into a trip to attend a funeral. Janina said it would be on Wednesday, and she and I would work on making a display of pictures of Grandmamom.
The night before as part of our Childbirth class, Ben and I talked about things that make me happy when I think of them, to help me cope with labor. I brought up family reunions, and the upcoming one. But in the car on the way to the airport after Janina’s call, I told Ben that I didn’t want that to be on my list of “happy thoughts” anymore. I had really wanted Grandmamom to be there for one thing, and Janina said that the reunion was pretty much cancelled because of her passing. People were gathering for the funeral instead.
I was able to get checked in and to the gate quickly since the airport wasn’t busy. The flight was non-stop, and I liked that I just had one flight for the day, even if it was long. I got up and went to the tiny bathroom every hour, whether I felt like I needed to or not, and was sure to do a lot of moving. I was able to make it through just fine. Katie and Robin met me at baggage claim and we had a group hug and got a little teary-eyed because we all knew what had happened that day.
It was great to be reunited with my family again. It always feels like it’s been a long time since I’ve seen my family each time I get to be with them again. I also got to meet my new sister, sweet Lucy, for the first time! That was exciting. She's so precious.
Over the next few days we made arrangements for the funeral. There was a lot to do.
I arrived Saturday evening, and on Sunday morning we all went to church together, but just went to sacrament meeting. We saw old friends, including my old boyfriend Ken and his wife Liberty and their children. It was the first time I had seen him in over 10 years. He was congenial, and it was good to say hello. I was obviously pregnant, and it felt good; he looked unchanged. Other old ward friends said hello and expressed their condolences. Uncle Randy was there with his girlfriend, he didn’t recognize me at first. It was Easter, but the holiday slipped by us all.
Afterward we gathered together at Grandpa’s house to take down memories of Grandmamom for the Eulogy. Aunt Dawnie was there, as well as Uncle Jared, Jasmine and those of us staying at Katie’s, Tim and Janelle arrived a little later as well as Grandpa’s bishop. I got out the video camera and recorded the discussion, but part of it has been lost due to an error in the camcorder. That makes me sad that it is gone. Our family has a lot of happy memories of Grandmamom, she was dear to all of our hearts. She was enthusiastic and eclectic and cared for everyone. She was sunshine.
Janina and I wanted to get together with old friends on Monday, but it turned out that we had to cancel our plans because we felt like we still had a lot to do since we had taken on a lot of responsibility. We felt bad to have to cancel, but we figured that they would understand that family had to take priority on this trip. We went to Jasmine's house and ended up having a great time as granddaughters with Harmony and Lacey and Katie and Robin, too. Mama and Papa came later and brought us ice cream. I sure love my cousins and sisters!
Monday and Tuesday are pretty much a blur. We gathered photos of Grandmamom, and had them printed at Wal-Mart on photo paper along with a photo size keepsake picture I put words on, and a small black and white collage Jasmine assembled. Janina and I got supplies for and created a photo display for the funeral/viewing. We arranged our favorite photos of Grandmamom in black and white on a large black foam core board and added in a few black and white scrapbook elements. We flanked it by tall frames with 4 black and white photos each. The table with the display looked nice, we also set up photographs in frames from Grandpa’s house.
Robin was delegated to be in charge of the memory box and we found a nice jewelry box that we used to have people write memories on and place inside. There were a lot of people with different opinions on how everything should be put together, but somehow it all got done.
One of the days, I think it was probably Monday, the adults in the family met together at the Sandy Funeral Home to finalize details with them. They were kind and thorough.
Afterward, we had the privilege of being able to dress Grandmamom. I never really knew that this was something that we did in the church. I knew that the endowed members are buried in temple clothing, but I didn’t know that endowed members would gather and dress them. Men dress the men, women dress the women. When the invitation was first extended to me to participate in this, I wasn’t sure how to respond. I first was concerned that my recommend had expired (this shouldn’t ever be a concern for me, I need to keep it current), and concerned about not knowing what to expect since I wasn’t sure how modesty would be dealt with. I also wasn’t sure how I would be able to emotionally handle preparing my dead grandmother for burial. Janina had decided not to participate; I think she said it would be too strange and overwhelming for her, so she volunteered to watch the children so Harmony and Jasmine could go.
I thought about it for a while before giving an answer. I decided that this was the only opportunity I had to do this for Grandmamom, and I may some day regret that I didn’t go. I figured also that it could very well be hard for me to do, but I imagined if I talked to Ben about it that he would encourage me to do it. This may very well be an ordinance, and could bring me and my family blessings and end up being a special experience and occasion for bonding. The other women may need my support, and they can support me, we wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t feel any revulsion about the idea.
On that day, Mama, Aunt Dawnie, Harmony, Jasmine and I were assisted by an old friend of Mama’s family, Sister Jameson, in dressing Grandmamom. She was laying on a table in a small room with a white sheet draped over her, but not her head. This was the first time I had seen her in a long time. Somehow I didn’t feel an overwhelming sadness like I thought I might, instead I felt an encompassing love. I felt this way the entire time.
We had a brief prayer together. Sister Jameson warned us that once we started, we may be taken aback by Grandmamom’s coldness and stiffness. She said that the cold might “go straight to your bones.” I appreciated the heads-up, but I didn’t feel like it was as dramatic as she was making it sound. Grandmamom was cold, but I felt like I was being supported by my fellow female relatives, including Grandmamom, and the love I felt. We did have a little difficulty managing to dress her with her stiff arms, but we were able to work together and fit everything on her.
Grandmamom’s clothing was there for us. We dressed her in the garments and temple dress she had in her temple bag. There is a classic picture of her and Grandpa together in their temple whites, and this was the dress she was wearing. She made that dress herself. We were careful to preserve her modesty and kept the sheet over her.
Aunt Dawnie made a comment to Grandmamom, “Mama! You don’t have to wear a bra in the eternities! Isn’t that great!?” We all had to giggle. People outside the door probably wondered what we were up to.
It was a peaceful bonding experience. Jasmine did a great job, it was comforting to have Mama there, and Harmony was stabilizing. We all helped and I really felt like I wanted to do all I could. After Grandmamom’s bangs were curled and we were done, we had a group hug and expressed our love for each other. It turned out to be nice and not as “creepy” as I was concerned it might be. I was glad that I participated. I felt like we treated Grandmamom with respect, and that she was watching over us in gratitude. I think it also helped me later at the viewing to keep composure and be more comfortable with her because I had already seen her and touched her and had integrated it into my system, and I also knew what to expect.
Grandpa didn’t want any pictures of Grandmamom taken after her death, and was sure that people knew not to bring their cameras into the viewing room so they wouldn’t get photos of her in her casket.
Different people have different ways of dealing with death. Lacey didn’t want to see Grandmamom at all after she had passed away and stayed out of the viewing room even during the family prayer. She said that she wanted to keep her memories of her just the way they were. Some people don’t cry until later. Harmony said to me at the cemetery that she hadn’t “balled-it-out yet.” It got to her the next day. I mostly cried as soon as I got the news, and my eyes welled up when I would give someone a hug to comfort them, such as when Robin and I were looking at Grandmamom in her casket. But I didn’t cry much, I felt a little guilty about that, but I think I was comforted knowing that we are an eternal family and some day I’ll get to see her again, though I’m sure I’ll miss her between now and then.
A couple years ago I was able to see a grief counselor after a co-worker had been killed in a car crash. He was a fun loving 21 year old who encouraged me in my “doodle” artwork and had purchased a cake from me. The news hit the response center where I worked pretty hard, and the company brought in the counselor. He reassured me that everyone is different in their reaction to death, and that my not crying right away was just my way of reacting right then and that there wasn’t anything wrong with me. He said some people don’t cry at all, some people cry a lot. I think I was also in shock and denial over the whole thing because it was so sudden. After I found out that I was normal, and I expressed grief over a mother and child’s murder in our ward, I felt some relief and was able to let go a little and shed some tears. I didn’t really think I needed the session, but I was glad I went afterward. There is no right or wrong way to grieve a death.
The church foyer, the Relief Society room where the viewing was held, and the chapel were all filled with beautiful bouquets of flowers. I loved having all the splendor around. Many people’s lives had been touched by my grandmother, and many people sent flowers. Some friends from work at Lifeline sent a small bouquet of lilies, and the department where I worked sent a nice big one as well. It was nice to know they were thinking of me and my family.
The memorial service was very nice. Grandpa’s bishop conducted the meeting and Aaron said the opening prayer. Papa spoke first and delivered the eulogy. It was very nice. He and Mama and Grandpa and others worked on it for some time. By the time he finished my eyes were hot and wet with tears. Click here to read the eulogy.
Mama and Aunt Dawnie sang together a beautiful hymn about when a loved one passes away. I was amazed that they were able to make it through the entire song. They also sang a favorite song of Grandmamom’s that they liked to sing around the campfire about the love of a mother and the gift of her smile. They made it through that one, too! It gave me courage that we granddaughters could sing our song, too.
Uncle Mike spoke next, reminiscing also about memories of Grandmamom, and also talking about gospel principles. We laughed and cried. He’s endearing.
Harmony, Janina, Jasmine, Lacey, Katie, Robin and I sang together. We had just a day or two to practice singing our song acapella, and I think we pulled it off rather well. We sang “How Gentle God’s Commands,” nothing too heart wrenching. We were all skeptical about being able to sing at Grandmamom’s memorial service and none of us really thought we could get through it. Papa really encouraged us, and said he would want us to sing at his funeral. We also took comfort in our numbers, knowing we had so many of us singing together. It was also nice to see so many familiar faces there in the chapel.
Grandpa’s bishop spoke about gospel principles and a little about Easter. He reminded us of the eternal plan of salvation. He was the third bishop to speak that day.
We drove to the cemetery and were nearly late because Mama and Papa were talking to people. A group of the grandsons were pall bearers, Justin, Craig, Jameson, Cameron, Jesse and Evan. Uncle Randy had written a poem/prayer that he read at the graveside, it was touching. After a prayer it was time to say our final goodbyes and go back to the church. I wanted to linger a little, but needed to move on.
A dinner (I like funeral potatoes) had been prepared for the family. And what a family we have! I saw people I hadn’t seen in years! It was a sad circumstance to be gathering together, but I really liked seeing so many loved ones again. There were many tables set up in the cultural hall and nearly all were filled.
My second cousin Melanie couldn’t stay for the dinner, but I had seen her earlier in the day and she looks beautiful. We had lost touch for years, and just recently connected again on Facebook. I felt so guilty after it was time for me to go home that we hadn’t been able to get together. I told her what our plans were for the next day and I never ended up calling her. I still need to email her to explain (or rather to give her an excuse!) that my family was so disorganized that I couldn’t make any plans.
I saw Craig and his wife and their kids. It’s great to know that they are going to church and Craig recently blessed his new baby! This is happy news for all of us! Janina and I also visited with Evan, who’s doing well, and who’s personality did remind me a little of Gabe. Shannon was gorgeous and was there with her husband and little girl. Jesse and Justin had grown so much that I didn’t recognize them! They were both very friendly and happy to see everyone, too.
I don’t think I can name everyone, but I felt so happy to be there. Even though I had missed seeing Grandmamom before she passed away, I was still glad to be there and reconnect, even if briefly, with my extended family again. It was a bittersweet day.
One of the purposes to Mama and Papa’s trip out to Oregon was to look at land and houses. They want to eventually move out there and are hoping they can in the next year. Janina was also looking at real estate. We stopped at various places, and the day after the funeral, my last day there, we planned to go out to Ocean Shores, Washington where we were planning to have the family reunion later that summer. Mama and Papa, Janina and Collin, and Katie, Robin and I piled into the van and took off. There was a surprising amount of arguing over plans since some of us didn’t care about looking at real estate and wanted time at the beach and the shops. I think it was also a stressful time for all of us, and it was getting to us. There had been some bickering during the week, too. I did my best to keep quiet and stay out of it all, but I did get involved on occasion. I love all of them anyway even though they were having a hard time during this period.
I was sad to have to leave. Before I flew out I thought I would be okay with going back home because I still had things to do and the rest of my pregnancy and house hunting to look forward to. But, I was sad to have to say goodbye to so many people I love.
It was fun to see my family while I was pregnant, they enjoyed it. We managed to snap a couple pregnant belly pictures of me.
I had a layover on the way home and talked to Ben nearly the whole time. He told me about houses he had gone to look at that day, and we decided which ones we would go back to look at the next day together. I was looking forward to that.
On the last flight home the plane wasn’t full and I asked one of the attendants if there was an empty row I could stretch out on. Seeing that I was obviously pregnant, he had me wait a moment while he made some arrangements for me. As it turns out, they moved me up to first class! I was surprised, and pleased. It was so nice. They fed me a meal (I was glad for that since I was hungry), and made sure I was comfortable, and I was able to lean back in a comfy chair. I couldn’t lay down completely like I would have wanted to because the arms between the chairs wouldn’t raise, but I wasn’t crowded and had the row to myself.
It was nice to see my Benjamin again. He’s my sweetheart and I love him so dearly. We’re making a life together that’s going through many changes, and I’m so glad that it is with him!
More RecapWednesday, April 8th, 2009
Gramamom
My thoughts are with Gramamom. From what I’ve been told she is doing poorly. It isn’t allowed to be so! She is supposed to stay young and mobile and vibrant for years still! She is supposed to be part of my children’s lives, just like she was for mine. She’s so far away and I wish I could visit her and tell her how much I love her.
Mama said she will probably be on hospice soon when she is released from the hospital. Working at Lifeline I come into contact with people with the service and with various hospice organizations. I just don’t want it to be so.
When we found out that the diagnosis is cancer, I had a hard time. I had to leave work early that day because I was upset about it. I’m not sure how to deal with it all. I want to go out there, but I’m in late pregnancy and it just wouldn’t be a good idea at this point. I also try not to think about it too much or it gets me down, and feeling guilty. I think I’m also in denial.
As for the reunion, Mama had mentioned in a recent email that we may not have a reunion this year. It may end up being that people gather ‘round Gramamom’s bedside, and for the funeral. I don’t know. Ideally, of course, we would still have the reunion, and Gramamom will still be around for it to enjoy the gathering of her family. Even if she passes before then, we may want to come together to support each other.
Gramamom has been a happy part of our family, and very endearing to us. She’s always had a lovely quirky personality, and is very generous and loving. She will be very sorely missed if the time ever comes, she’s supposed to live forever, you know.
RecapTuesday, April 7th, 2009
Since I neglected my blog for pretty much all of March, I’m just going to recap and talk about different points of interest.
Got Over That Cold
In my last entry I was still sick with that awful cold. That night I sweat again and felt like there must be a lot of toxins my body was getting rid of! By the next day I went back to work, but wasn’t quite well enough, so I went home after a half day. I could tell other people were trying to keep their distance, and I took that as a sign I needed to leave. I worked the full day the following day, and seemed to be much better. I had a small infrequent lingering cough for a couple days, but my darn runny/stuffy pregnancy nose is still with me!
“Uncomfortables” Written March 11th, 2009: I have been starting to get what I call the "third trimester uncomfortables." A couple times or so I've felt almost like I can't catch my breath. The baby is high enough for that. Last Saturday was a warm day (relatively) and it was hot at the bakery and I was miserable! At one point I suddenly couldn't sit still or work and had to walk outside and fan myself. But when that didn't help enough I went to the bathroom found relief in stripping down a little to cool off. It was strange, I hadn't felt such a need for immediate relief like that before.
I had to leave sacrament meeting due to being uncomfortable sitting (and probably because I need a new black skirt that isn't as tight). But, overall I've been feeling pretty good. I've enjoyed feeling the baby move around and kick.
Written April 7th, 2009: I have had a few more bouts of what almost feels like hot flashes, and times that I kind of feel like I’m suffocating, or claustrophobic. I feel a little claustrophobic sitting in sacrament sometimes, I’m not sure why. Mama says that she would feel that way because of all the people around. Sometimes I just pain old feel “icky.” But, I’m glad that I am blessed to go through all of this!
Gestational Diabetes Testing Written March 11th, 2009: Today I went and did the gestational diabetes screening test. I had to drink that sugary flat-orange-soda drink and sit around in the waiting room for an hour so they could draw my blood. Don't know the results yet. I was feeling a little uncomfortably restless before hand, and wasn't sure how I was going to handle it all, but it went fine. I'll know the results at the next appointment, probably. Which reminds me... when is my next appointment anyway?
Disliking Bakery
I’m disliking working at the bakery more week by week. Not only is it physical work and I’m already feeling tired (from the pregnancy, and from working another full time job), but it’s stressful. I have due dates to meet and customers to satisfy, and if I don’t satisfy them, Marina has to talk to me about it. I guess I’m making little mistakes here and there, and luckily Marina is blaming it on pregnancy brain. I didn’t seem to do that so much before, but maybe I’m just not caring as much, either.
The people around me also make a difference on how I like being there, and Marina is constantly stressed, too. It’s a tough job to own and run a bakery, and it seems like she’s almost had it. Gwen, the cashier who has been prepping cakes for me, has a lot on her plate every day and feels stressed about getting everything done. I just can’t let myself get that way. She also doesn’t frost cakes to the degree of quality that I’d like and I can’t be as proud of how the cakes turn out.
I also don’t care for the fact that I’m duplicating cakes I’ve made before. I’d rather create something new each time I decorate a cake.
I don’t really like what they’ve done with the website I made, it was changed a lot more than I thought, and the cakes section was changed drastically. The feel of the whole thing is off; they put caricatures up of us, and that just isn’t cohesive to the European bakery feel of the place. The artist also spelled my name wrong on my picture.
Ben says not to burn any bridges yet, to wait and see how I’ll feel once it’s my only job.
Bloody Noses
I’ve had four nosebleeds in the last couple weeks. I’ve read that this can happen in pregnancy, so it didn’t alarm me too much. It has been very dry lately, too.
The first one happened at work, I thought that my nose was just suddenly very runny, and when I sniffed in to catch it I got that strange “sucked-water-up-your-nose” feeling, luckily there were tissues nearby. It surprised me to find that the tissue was stained red when I glanced at it! I stepped off the floor though I was right in the middle of something, and tried to not worry anyone about it. I had a metallic taste in my mouth, could have been blood from the back of my throat.
The next one happened the very next morning when Ben and I were still in bed. He said that I should use the humidifier and drink lots of liquids. He boiled water on the stove for me to keep the apartment humid.
The third one happened a few mornings later again. Luckily they don’t last long.
The last one was just last night. I was reading in bed before Ben got home from work, but I was so involved in what I was reading, that the blood actually went far enough to reach my lips and drip onto my shirt before I noticed it!
Dodging Responsibility
I had agreed to create the programs for the stake musical, Charlotte’s Web. But, after the info sat in my inbox without me having a chance (or taking the time) looking at it, I decided I didn’t want to do it. I was already feeling out of time for most other things I needed/wanted to do, and tired all the time and I didn’t want this extra thing I had to stress over to get done. So, I said no, I couldn’t do it after all. It actually felt kind of good to say no, I usually agree to help out with whatever. I just had to look after myself this time. I felt a little guilty, but I knew I would go crazy trying to fit designing this thing into my packed, nap-dotted schedule.
Oranges
I like oranges. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say that I crave them, but I sure do like them. They are so refreshing. I also like orange juice and orange flavored other things, including orange cinnamon rolls and orange chicken (I unintentionally chose to make an orange cake for the graduation party at Lifeline!). I got a single orange at the store a couple weeks ago, and Ben grabbed it a couple days later to eat it, I told him it was mine, it was for me and he couldn’t have it. He was surprised by my reaction. The next time we were at the store I figured I should get more, got a big bag full of navals and have been enjoying them. I like naval oranges, they are juicy and sweet and seedless. I try to take an orange with me to work, and I often bring one with me when we go places, just in case I want one.
When we were at one of our childbirth classes I was feeling really uncomfortable and Ben was sitting between me and the snacks. He sat the nice juicy grapes between us and I had some, hoping they might help me feel a little better. They only helped a little. But, when Ben handed me an orange wedge from the plate and I took a bite, I suddenly felt so much better! Aahh! So nice!
Oreos and Peanut Butter
One day I got the idea in my head that it would be quite delicious to dip my Oreo cookies in peanut butter. I was right, and I had some more the next day. Ben thought it was weird, and said it was the first strange pregnancy food combination I’ve come up with. But, I think even if I wasn’t pregnant it would be good; besides, they even make peanut butter Oreos! I asked Katie, and she said she thinks it would be yummy. I also think that eating Oreos and oranges together would be good.
No Motorcycle for Me
At one point during the month we went and picked up Ben’s motorcycle that had been in the shop all winter for a tune up (that tune up took a long time!). We had a nice late lunch together and then went off to our childbirth class. On the way there after dropping the bike off at home, Ben was talking about how it will be nice to ride again once the weather is good. I was also looking forward to it, but then Ben said that I can’t ride it. I was confused and didn’t understand why I couldn’t. But just as I was asking, “Why not,” I realized that, oh yeah! I’m pregnant! Duh! I had to laugh at myself! Ben jokingly said that I’d have to sit way back on the motorcycle to fit and my arms couldn’t reach. Silly man. Silly Milly.
Monday March 2nd, 2009Written Tuesday March 3rd, 2009
During the night I still woke up sweating, but was able to sleep in ‘til noon. I sounded bad in the morning, and Ben agreed I should probably stay home. So, I didn’t go to work again. I took another hot shower for relief.
Ben didn’t have work either, but didn’t know it until he showed up at the library. Apparently because of the snow the college closed down, but Ben didn’t keep up on that because he thought his boss would call him like she has done before. He played Mass Effect on xBox 360 all day.
I did blog stuff and sat around watching Ben play when I didn’t know what else to do. I read more of the “Girlfriends” book again, and I’m getting disgusted by that book. I’m not sure if I’ll finish it.
I drove a block away to Walgreens and got more tissue, and some whipped cream for strawberry shortcake Ben liked so much (though we didn't end up having any).
We got notice that the loan money for the house down payment is in the bank! Now Ben needs to get caught up on our finances (he hasn’t done it in a few weeks) and we can go for pre-approval on a mortgage.
We did our exercises and relaxation that night, and read some of the homework from the book. We figured the real due date for the baby is June 14th. The class teaches that 41 weeks and a day is more accurate than 40 weeks.
After we went to bed the little one in my belly started to move again, and I had Ben feel. He felt the baby kick some more! This time it was more than once. He laughed with delight and kept saying, “Wow!” and that it was awesome. “There’s a little guy in there!” he exclaimed. He said one of the kicks was a big one and he could feel it really good. He enjoyed it and seemed to be very pleased. I was. I told Ben how he has some more movements now. It's not just a bumping anymore, sometimes he presses outward and moves along a short distance. He's getting stronger!
Sunday March 1st, 2009Written Tuesday March 3rd, 2009
I had another bad night. I got up to go to the bathroom several times. Three times I woke up in a sweat and hand to change (that’s an awful, cold feeling). I was hungry and had a bowl of cereal twice. I eventually said a prayer and fell asleep on my knees at the couch. I decided not to fight it and to just let my throat get sore so I could sleep. I found I could breathe better propped up on pillows instead of laying all the way down.
I woke up when Ben came home after 10 and came upstairs to check on me. I felt horrible, my throat felt awful and I could barely talk. Marina called at one point and Ben answered my phone. He told her that I was pretty sick and couldn’t talk, but she didn’t leave a message. I was glad we didn’t have to go teach the kids.
Ben wanted to help take care of me, so started at pot of water boiling on the stove to create humidity, and I brought down the humidifier. The windows started steaming up, so I knew it was working. I got hot though and had to strip down. I did take my temperature, and there was no fever. Ben said the sweating is one way for my body to get rid of toxins. I didn’t take any medication because of the pregnancy, and wasn’t in enough pain or had a fever to justify Tylenol.
I read in my pregnancy books that a cold happens during pregnancy sometimes, and isn’t serious. I checked all the symptoms to be sure it is only a cold and not something more, and indeed, it’s a bad cold. The little mucus I do cough up is not green or yellow, just ivory, but sneezing and coughing hurts.
I called out sick from work. I haven’t done that in years! One of the things on my review I just had was perfect attendance. I don’t think I’ve used sick time in 4 years. So, they know that this was pretty bad for me. And I’m probably going to end up using sick time at some point during this year anyway.
I spent the day alone at home missing my sweetie while he was at work. I chatted with Mama online and worked on blog stuff. We’re trying to figure out when it would be best for her, and possibly Janina if she can, to come out for when the baby is born. Or, come out after the reunion. I’m not sure yet what I might want, I’ve never been a new mother before! We’ve already established that during the delivery it will be just me and Ben without family members, at least that’s our thought so far.
I noticed at one point that I was dripping milk (well, colostrum). It surprised me, but reassured me.
I’ve been drinking a lot of water, blowing my nose like crazy (I’ve gone through nearly a whole box of tissues in the last few days) and doing a little sweating. I had some slight diarrhea. I’m still staying hydrated. My body was not as constantly achy as it was the day before, I had a little more energy, and a little more willing to eat, but in no condition to be anywhere else but home.
I noticed I’ve lost a pound or so in the last couple days. I’m not supposed to be losing right now, but it’s only temporary.
It snowed pretty good outside. It’s not supposed to snow in March!
When Ben got home from work that night he said it felt like a sauna! I had kept the water boiling and the humidifier going.
I did the exercises I could do on my own, but Ben was too tired to help me with the other ones. He apologized for that.
Saturday February 28th, 2009Written Tuesday March 3rd, 2009
I had a miserable night. I couldn’t sleep due to a sore throat and stuffy/runny nose and a restless feeling in my legs and tossing and turning. I kept wanting to wiggle my feet. I eventually went down to sleep on the couch because I’ve been able to sleep there, and I didn’t want to associate my bed with not sleeping more than I needed to. Ben found me an hour later when he was getting up for his early morning job. He hadn’t noticed I wasn’t in bed. I also didn’t want to disturb him too much because I knew he had to get up so early.
After Ben left, I had a bowl of cereal in bed (I usually don’t eat in the middle of the night) and jotted some notes on things I wanted to remember for blog. I eventually fell asleep with the light on. Not long later, I woke up in a sweat. I was all wet, and wondered for a moment if I had peed the bed! I looked forward to when the light of day came, and when Ben would be home.
I called and left a message with Sara Apke, who wants to throw me a baby shower (along with my visiting teacher) and who is in the primary presidency, about finding a substitute for our class the next day, and about the baby shower. She called me back later when I was taking a nap. I wasn’t sleeping all that well anyway. She was kind enough to offer to get the substitute for me, and we figured on having the shower on Saturday April 4th!
Ben came home and sat behind me in bed so I could lean on him. It was nice to have him back, and he was nice and comfy, too. Ben noticed my belly button is flattening, I think he was a little surprised by that. I have my doubts whether it will turn into an outtie.
Sara Apke called again and said she had talked to Tiffanie, my visiting teacher, and figured out more questions to ask me about shower details, such as refreshments, a guest list, and colors. Ben was still there with me, so he helped me decide on some things. Ben likes green, but I’m thinking blue and chocolate brown.
Afterward I thought out loud to Ben, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if we had a girl after all?” Ben reminded me that the ultrasound technician saw it several times and she seemed pretty confident that it is a boy.
I put together a nice lunch with our left over Boston Market food, but after three bites I had no appetite and had to force myself to eat. Then I just didn’t know what to do with myself. I was restless. I said my body was doing lots of things, fighting a cold, growing a baby and digesting food.
We went out and looked at houses like I wanted to. We pretty much just drove around and looked as we drove by. But, we did get out at a couple of them. It was a cold day so I didn’t stay out of the car long because it hurt to breathe the cold air. It was a useful little trip though, and we got some better ideas of what’s out there right now.
We went grocery shopping right afterward. Ben stopped and ran in the house to check his email (he put the Bowflex for sale on Craig’s List and is hoping someone will want it), but I stayed in the car for fear if I went inside I wouldn’t want to leave again. I was pretty uncomfortable, and Ben said I was walking like an invalid. At one point I was debilitated by how badly my nipples hurt! It’s so crazy!
We each ate some supper and I was actually feeling like watching a movie and that’s what we ended up doing. It was very long though and I got tired of sitting through it. It was a French movie with English sub-titles, called Brotherhood of the Wolf. We had strawberry shortcake as our movie treat. I like it with angel food cake and fresh cut up strawberries and whipped cream. Ben loved it.
We did our exercises together. I didn’t want to go to bed for fear of the misery, but I was tired and knew I needed to try to sleep.
A Miserable and Wonderful Day, Friday February 27th, 2009Written Sunday March 1st, 2009
I woke up feeling like I was full fledged sick with a cold. I had to go in to the bakery. When I got there I had some chicken noodle soup. It helped a little.
I ended up having a bad day at bakery. They really didn’t have any cakes ready for me like they normally do. Most of the orders were simple and Gwen could do them, and the only cake I had to do had just been baked and was still warm. If it was ready, I could have been done and out of there within an hour. But, I had to wait. Once the cakes were cooled and I leveled the top, I noticed one layer was still raw in the middle! I had to put it back in the oven to finish baking it and let it cool again! Then, once it was time to fill it, the strawberries needed to be thawed, and we didn’t have any peaches! Gwen ran out to the store to get some. Finally I got it crumbcoated, then frosted (my arm got very tired very fast when I was frosting the cake and it surprised me. "My arm is getting so tired, what's up with me?" I said to Gwen) and chilled enough to decorate it. I had been there for probably 3 or so hours, and I was feeling tired enough already that I just wanted to go home! Luckily I was able to still do some work while I was there and talk to customers instead of completely wasting time.
I called Ben because I was feeling down and hoping he could visit me on his way home from dog walking, but he wouldn’t be around for another hour, so I said I’d see him at home because I’d probably be done by then.
As I began decorating, all was going well. I was drawing a picture of Minnie Mouse on the top of the cake by outlining it in black icing and filling it in with a runny glaze. After I started filling in the pale color of her face, the black color ran and it looked terrible! I just wanted to cry! I felt my eyes get a little teary. I was finally getting the cake done, and it was turning out to be a disaster! And, I’m so used to my plans working out! I had to put it aside in the fridge and figure out what to do.
Marina came along and I showed her what was going on. We decided I’d scrape off all the effort I had already made, and try the drawing with another technique. She and Gwen helped me mix some colors, that was good of them. I think Marina could see the distress I was in. I was exhausted already, not only because of the pregnancy, but I hadn’t gotten enough sleep the night before and my body was tired from fighting the cold.
Once I got started, I called Ben and he stopped visited me at bakery. It was a short hello, but it was enough to keep me going. I finally got the cake done and went home!
When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep due to exhaustion. As I went upstairs I said I wanted some comfort food. As soon as I got into bed I started weeping! I surprised myself. I heard the music stop downstairs, and Ben’s footsteps coming up the stairs. Ben laid down behind me and cuddled me and said, “Are you being pregnant?” I cried out loud in his arms. I haven’t done that in a very long time! He was good to me, and I appreciated his comforting.
I proclaimed, “I’m not supposed to get sick!” I told him about my bad day so far, and my ailments of a common bad cold. I don’t remember just what he said, but he tried to help me feel better by telling me that this happens sometimes, and what to do to help me get better. He said he loves me. I sure love him! I also expressed concern over church and work the next day and the class we were to take that night and if I should do any of them in my condition.
After I calmed a little he told me the happy news that we got the loan for the down payment! That was a relief, and I wanted to get started right away at looking at houses and getting the process started.
Ben recommended a hot shower, then said we’d go eat somewhere and tried to get me up. After a while he came back and encouraged me to take the hot shower by telling me he’d join me. The humidity in the shower did help me feel better.
Since I wanted comfort food like mashed potatoes and vegetables, I was thinking of going to Boston Market, and to my surprise, that’s exactly what Ben suggested.
After I got dressed I slipped back into bed. Ben came upstairs to see what was going on. He laid down beside me and said that I must be more tired than hungry. He said that if we were going to go, we needed to leave soon.
So, I got up, but I wasn’t sure if I should go to our first Bradley Method childbirth class that night. I had been in contact with this instructor for a while and she made the schedule for us. There was going to be another couple there, and I didn’t want to make another pregnant woman sick (and I knew I would need to do some exercises and I was already feeling tired. I followed Ben’s suggestion and called the instructor for her opinion. She said that pregnant women usually don’t stay home all day and are exposed to germs because they don’t live in a bubble. It happens sometimes that they get colds. She said that we’d just keep our distance, and be sure everyone washes their hands before leaving. So, she made me feel okay with going that night, and that made me feel better. I really did want to go.
We went to Boston Market and enjoyed the good food, though I wasn’t as hungry as I thought. I waited in the car as Ben ran into Walmart for a notebook for the class. Then as we were on our way, we realized that we forgot to bring the pillows and blanket for class. Ben decided we should run home and get them and we ended up being 15 minutes late. We called on the way and were told the other couple was already there, but it was okay.
As it turns out I must have misunderstood, the other couple wasn’t there already. They called after we did to say that they talked to their ob that day and asked about the Bradley classes. They were told it was great except they were planning on a c-section! So we ended up being the only couple in class! It was like we were getting private lessons! It would be nice to have the camaraderie of another pregnant couple, though. This instructor was just recently licensed as a new instructor, so she hasn’t gotten her referral network set up yet.
The class was great. She did a great job preparing and presenting the material, and we could tell she put a lot of thought and effort into it. We learned a lot, a lot I read about in the Bradley Method book I read, but it was good to have the material in class form and have more guidance with it all, especially knowing how to go about doing the exercises and homework.
I wasn’t sure if Ben was thinking that this was a crazy bunch of “crock” that we were getting into since it is a class about all natural childbirth, or if he really appreciated it. She asked us near the beginning why we were taking the class and I explained my reasoning.
When Ben and I were first married we were talking about having children and Ben had mentioned something about the risks of epidurals. I hadn’t really thought about it at all at that point, and put it in the back of my mind as we spent time trying to get pregnant in the first place. And now, 8 ½ years later we’re finally going to have a baby and it came back to me again. I want to have a healthy baby and give him the best start. I’ve done some reading on it and I really want to breastfeed. A friend of mine gave me a breastfeeding book and learned that the less interventions during birth, the fewer the drugs, and the sooner and longer that the baby can be held after birth, the better the breastfeeding can go. We visited Ben’s sister over Christmas and she is a La Leche League leader and a supporter of natural childbirth. She gave me a lot of encouragement. I also have a cousin who gave birth naturally twice, the second after reading the Bradley book and things went better for her.
She asked Ben about it, and where he heard of the risks of epidurals. He said it was from his sister. She’s had 8 children, the first was a c-section. He said the reason he feels like taking the class (I don’t remember his exact wording) is from a trust in God, that a woman’s body is made to give birth and he doesn’t want to interfere with that more than is needed. I was relieved to hear this, and somehow I already knew he felt this way.
Ben got involved in the class, and helped me do my different “exercises,” such as tailor sitting, squatting, pelvic rocking, butterfly, and relaxation. He told the instructor, Abi, that we will definitely be back next week.
On the way home Ben said he is glad we’re taking this class, even though it’s expensive. He agrees with the philosophy, and says there is so much to learn! He liked the Bradley idea of likening preparing for labor and delivery to preparing for a marathon event. I’m also glad we are taking the class, too, and look forward to learning more. We intend to do all the homework. The nutritional guidelines where, what I thought, enough protein to avoid toxemia.
We figured out once we got home that I would call in the morning to try to get a substitute for Primary on Sunday.
Once we were settled in to bed, Ben rubbed my back like I was hoping for to help with the achiness I felt from the cold. Then as I turned to my back, the baby started kicking. I didn’t want to wait long to tell Ben, so I told him he was moving. He reached over and I led his hand to the right spot. After a short pause, the baby kicked! “Did you feel that?” I said.
“That wasn’t you?” He replied, and then started laughing with delight! He said, “There’s a person in there trying to get out!” He said he wasn’t sure what that was at first, but it felt like a “Boink!” He kept laughing in amazement! He finally felt the baby kick! I could tell he was thrilled, and I had tears running down my face! It was awesome! He was so distracted that he didn’t feel the baby kick his hand second time! He said he felt the kick in his palm.
He started talking and said that everything more real for him now. It seemed to be a combination of the class that night and how much he is feeling like there is to learn, and having just felt the baby move. He said, “We’re suddenly in this pregnancy!”
To that I replied, “I’ve been in this pregnancy this whole time!”
Thursday February 26th, 2009Written Sunday March 1st, 2009
I worked at the bakery again, but didn’t stay too terribly long.
When I was trying to decide what to wear I put on one of the button up shirts I was wearing at my heaviest. It fit, but it was nothing special, and just made me look big instead of pregnant. So wore a shirt I’ve been wearing pretty often, though I wanted to change things up a bit. Ben did end up liking the pants I wore and he said they made my bum look nice and he couldn’t help but grab it. I thought he was cute.
It turns out that those pants were a bother that day. They are stretchy kaki maternity pants that are just a little big in the waist, and I had to battle with keeping them up all day. At one point I was walking around and someone asked me if I was in pain, I replied, “No, just trying to hold my pants up!”
I like that Ben often touches my tummy with both hands and talks to it in a high voice saying, "There's a baby in there!" or "You're going to have a baby!"
I’m getting to the point where I leak when I sneeze, it’s very annoying! At one point after lunch, I suddenly got a throat full of acid! I hate that! Maybe I ate a little too much? I rarely have any heartburn at all. I had a little bit of lower abdomen pain again.
I served the cakes at the party at work and all went well.
Everyone was still sick around me at work again. Except Jamil, he wasn’t there. I hate when people go in to work sick, and then be bold enough to claim it isn’t contagious. I felt uncomfortable around it all again. About half way through the day, I started feeling a tickle in my throat, and started having little coughs. I wasn’t very happy.
I read some of the “Girlfriend’s” book again, and it made me think of a few more things. It said that during pregnancy, hair and nails grow longer and stronger, hair thicker. I’ve found that my nails are nice, but I think that my hair is actually getting thinner! Ben has said something about it, too. He just pointed out the other day that my hair looks thin on the top of my head, and he hopes I’m not bald by the time I’m 45! I had been thinking the same thing recently. He said that we’d do something about it though if need be. My hair has always been thin though, and I had a hair stylist call it baby-fine.
The book talked about how pregnant women can go “insane” with impatience and moodiness. I have found myself get moody, and occasionally want to cry, or get frustrated that the door on the car won’t close and say, “I HATE this stupid, dumb door!” But at the same time, I don’t think I’ve let it get to the debilitating point. Last week at the bakery Marina made a comment that I’m so patient. I was pleased to hear that. She asked if it’s that I don’t get upset, or that I don’t show it. I said that I don’t like to let myself get upset enough. She said maybe it’s because I’m caffeine free. I thought that was funny. I did say that’s true, and I don’t drink alcohol and I don’t smoke.
A common ailment for pregnant women is hemorrhoids. Thankfully, I haven’t gotten one. But have you heard of husbands having sympathy symptoms? This is one Ben had. Yup, mid-December Ben got a hemorrhoid! He even went to the doctor about it and he confirmed it. Poor guy. The doctor said eat less bread and more fiber. We both thought it was funny that this happened to him! He changed his diet a little and soon enough his “bum friend” it went away.
I have noticed that lately have been getting a little bit gassy. Ben says I used to be so ladylike and proper. Sometimes the burps escape without warning, and my bum cheeks make a little clap. I’m just glad that it isn’t something that has been plaguing me like it does some pregnant women! I don’t consider it a serious problem.
Do have to be sure to always wear a pantiliner.
I’ve notice that my little round belly seems to be a little bit fuzzy with fine light hair. I don’t know if it has grown in, or now that my skin is stretching I’m noticing it more.
I haven’t really had leg cramps like some women do – yet. I haven’t gotten huge enough for that stage, but I have had foot cramps. I used to get them once in a blue moon before the pregnancy, but I’ve gotten them a little more often lately. It’s usually when I point my toes, my foot wants to cramp up farther in that direction and I have to try to pull my toes back up toward my knee in an attempt to alleviate the pain.
That night I set up the humidifier, but couldn’t sleep well. I was trying to be sure the steam from the humidifier was getting to my face so I could alleviate a sore throat.
Wednesday February 25th, 2009Written Sunday March 1st, 2009
After waking I casually baked the other cake, and filled and frosted both. I just didn’t want to rush to decorate them, but knew leaving them for after work would be a pain then, too. But, I planned to finish after work anyway.
Before I went to work I finished reading “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding.” It’s a very nice book, it covers a lot and is well written. I felt satisfied that breastfeeding is the choice for me. I was also feeling more connected to myself, feeling more womanly and appreciative of my anatomy. Perhaps that’s why I noticed so intensely that Ben was avoiding my “baby feeders.”
Ben called me excited at work today, he couldn’t hide his good mood like was wanting to. He said he was trying to be a poker faced man, but I could tell. I told him I knew him too well, and he couldn’t hide it from me. He said I was a cheater, and I said, “No, I’m your wife!” He was feeling good because he talked to someone about getting a loan for a down payment on a house and things looked promising. I wasn’t ready to be too excited, but I took it as a good sign.
Everyone was sick around me at work. I didn’t like that people were coming in sick, especially when they sit and work so close to me. Bill seems to always have something, and this time he said he had laryngitis, but was on antibiotics so he wasn’t contagious. I didn’t believe that could be true. Jamil had called out the day before, but came in looking pretty bad. Joe was getting over a cold, and two of the other managers had gone home sick. Several of the associates were sick, too and I could hear them coughing from a distance. Jamil and Bill both share the same area with me, without walls or boundaries, and sit within 10 feet of me. I was concerned for my own health, and I expressed this to Joe, that people are here sick and are staying, I was wondering if I should leave instead, but I needed the money. He suggested I sit at one of the morning shift manager’s desk, so I did for the rest of the day. I talked to Ben on the phone, he said to be sure to wash my hands and blow my nose often.
At lunch I started reading “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” and relating to parts of it, though some of it I don’t agree with. I’m reading it for entertainment’s sake. It’s not a book with medical advice or technicalities of pregnancy; it’s basically a woman’s memoirs of pregnancy, both hers and her girlfriends’. It reminded me of some things I have experienced so far, and wasn’t sure if I had noted them. I’ll write things as they come up.
I do remember experiencing some dizziness in the first trimester. I experienced it mostly when getting up to stand, especially after waking in the morning. I found myself having to get out of bed very slowly, and walk at a turtle’s pace or I’d see stars. It’s since gone away.
I don’t have to get up in the middle of the night like I used to before. It used to be a fairly common occurrence to have to wake up to make a trip downstairs to the bathroom, but most nights now I sleep through without having to make that trip.
I am now having a hard time reaching my feet to put on my socks and any shoes I have to tie instead of just slip on. It makes it worse to have pants on when I attempt this. I look forward to the warm summer when I might be able to wear shoes without socks so I don’t have to deal with trying to put them on! But, then I have to consider the possibility of stinky feet!
I haven’t had any strong cravings so far, though I liked oranges and orange juice for a little while, but didn’t feel like I had to have them. People ask me if I have any cravings, and I suppose it makes for a boring pregnancy when they find out I don’t have any.
People say I’m small for how far along I am. My whole waist got thicker, my belly didn’t necessarily protrude right away. People are noticing that my belly is sticking out more now and say something, more people are asking about it if they didn’t know already that I am pregnant (some people consider this risky business). I also give it away by wearing maternity clothes.
The most common questions I get are, “When are you due?” “How far along are you?” “Do you know if it is a boy or a girl?” “Do you have any names picked out?” and “Is this your first?” and of course I also get, “How are you feeling?” or “How’s the baby?” I don’t mind questions and the interest people have, but sometimes I get tired of the same questions again and again! Right now questions about a name are the most annoying. Ben and I don’t feel a need for that yet. I suppose I don’t know what else people would ask, or be appropriate to ask.
Ben and I go to bed at about the same time, I might crawl into bed a little before he does, but I usually sleep an hour longer than him in the morning.
Sometimes when the baby moves I feel it on the top and bottom of my belly at once, as if he is stretching out as tall as he can, kicking is feet out and punching his arms up high. It’s a different sensation, but fun nonetheless.
After work I spent some time figuring out just how I wanted to decorate the cakes. They are cakes for the new hire class party they have each month at Lifeline, and I have free reign over the designs. I finally figured it out, and got them all done that night. One was a black and white cake, the other was decorated with silver. The silver one took me a little longer than I wanted. When I was painting the delicate gum paste bow loops for the black and white cake, Ben said that he's impressed with me, and proud of my delicate work. He said that being able to handle such fragile pieces is a sign of professionalism. I was glad for his appreciation. He had tried to help me dry off one of the narrower bow loops I had accidentally dropped in some water in the sink, and he broke it, but luckily I had a couple extras and it wasn't a big deal.
That night when we went to bed I felt the baby kicking and whispered to Ben that he was. He rolled over and put his hand on my tummy, and of course, the baby stopped moving. Just the way it is! So, after a while Ben rolled back over and said, “Maybe next time.” I was glad at least he tried again. Then, not long later he started kicking again, but I could tell by Ben’s breathing that he was already asleep.
Tuesday February 24th, 2009Written Thursday February 26th, 2009
I was ready for work early. I’ve found that I tend to have a better day at work and don’t want to leave early so much when I feel prepared without rushing. When I’m ready early, it’s even better. I feel like I can get more done instead of just lounging around in my pajamas.
I sat down to read, but I shortly felt a powerful need for sleep. I knew I didn’t want to sleep long since I had to leave for work soon, but I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. So, I took a brief nap on the couch. I slept lightly and glanced at the clock now and then, but it was just what my body must have needed, because I felt better afterward.
I was in to work an hour and a half early for another meeting. I’ve been having a lot of meeting lately! I’m on a new important committee.
That day at work the Response Center Events Committee (I used to be on that committee) had a Mardi Gras themed day. I wore a lavender turtle neck and green bead earrings, and that was about the extent of my pre-planned involvement. However, I had to keep an eye on the food, and along with the other senior and managers, ended up having to clean up the mess the leaky slushy machine made. It’s nice they do events to spice things up sometimes.
Jamil, my co-senior (who will be moving from the team with Joe) called out sick, but I still had sick Bill sitting next to me. I think I was in denial and didn’t really realize it, he always seems to have something wrong with him.
Somehow it ended up that I pretty much ate sweets all day. It was all I really wanted. I got a couple boxes of Girl Scout cookies and nibbled on them, had a slushy and some of the pastries. I can’t remember what else, but I did feel like I had a little bit of a tummy ache by the end of the day.
I did have some real food for dinner though. One of the managers, Brion, was deciding what to go out and get, and I told him to get chicken strips. That eventually led me to jokingly ask him to get some for me too. He actually ended up bringing me dinner! I had chicken nuggets, yummy mashed taters and mixed veggies. He wouldn’t let me pay him for it. It was generous of him, and I think he wanted to take care of the pregnant woman.
I baked a cake after work, and planned to bake the other one in the morning since I didn’t want to have to do it again that night once the pans were free. Luckily I had all the ingredients I needed and didn’t have to run to the store for anything!
I had noticed the night before that Ben seemed to avoid my upper torso. I smoothly and casually mentioned something about it, and found out that is indeed “afraid” of the area (Yes, he used that word). I think it is most certainly because of the wetness I had squeezed out and showed him last week or so. Maybe he doesn’t know what to think.
Monday February 23rd, 2009Written Thursday February 26th, 2009
From noon to 1 I went to the Lifeline President’s luncheon. It’s a small gathering of various people from the company along with Ron Feinstein, the president and CEO of the company, and one of his VPs. The food was nice (I had let the coordinator know of my diet restrictions because of the pregnancy). And the people were nice. I ended up coming away from the luncheon feeling like a dope though. Ron had mentioned he wanted to get ideas on improving the company and to answer questions we had. I piped up that I encourage my family and friends to get a job at Lifeline because it’s so great. I wished I hadn’t said anything, that wasn’t really what he was looking for. The subject quickly changed when someone else brought something else to his attention right away. I didn’t say a thing the rest of the hour. Other people were making much more intelligent conversation. I can be good at that, but I hadn’t prepared myself I think.
I decided to indulge on a piece of lovely cake (it wasn't hard to decide to), but a few bites into it, to my disappointment, I found a small spot of green mold! I stopped eating it, but didn't mention it to anyone. I wanted to eat the cake so bad, but I refrained and had to leave the nice big chunk on my plate. Afterward, I brought it up to the cafeteria who provided the food so they were aware. I hoped I hadn't eaten anything I shouldn't have.
I went home and eventually came back for my regular schedule at work. I had a very busy day that day, more than usual.
I did have my yearly review. It went very well. Joe, my boss, gave me great scores and said that I do a great job. He often says I’m the best senior they have. I appreciate that. I got a 4.5 of 5 on the review, better than last year when I got a 4. Most people don’t get that high (I know because I do reviews of my team members with Joe). He will be moving to a different shift shortly and will no longer be over my team. I will be training a new manager to take his place. (I wanted to go for his job (and probably could have gotten it), but the timing of that and going on maternity leave is less than ideal, and I’m not sure I will stay once I return from maternity leave in the first place.) Joe said it has been a pleasure working with me. He made some good comments about me on the review, and his boss wrote a nice little thank-you note to me at the end of it after looking through it. I came away pleased. The only thing I wasn’t pleased about is that Philips (Lifeline is a company under Philips Electronics) has put a freeze on pay raises in 2009. So, I didn’t get a raise when I normally would have gotten a nice one.
I was feeling like I was chronically hungry. I wanted to eat constantly! I felt like I was over eating, but I felt like I couldn’t get enough!
I remembered again that I’m not used to these changes that my body is going through that night when Ben and I, were, well, I’ll stop there. It was frustrating for me that I wasn’t enjoying things as much as I normally used to. I felt more restricted instead of carefree. My whole body, my whole life, and my whole outlook (or is it inlook) on myself is changing.
Sunday February 22nd, 2009Written Wednesday February 25th, 2009
Ben ended up having a busy morning at work, and couldn’t take the time to help me prepare the lesson. He apologized and said that he’ll mostly take care of it for next week. He said he was glad though that he went to bed a little earlier the night before because he didn’t get to nap as much when he was there. So, I prepared the lesson last minute.
I quickly sent off a reply to the email that one of the sisters from the ward sent me about throwing me a baby shower, I had been neglecting it for a day or two. (Turns out she couldn’t find the email)
For the lesson Ben like my idea of bringing Avery, our most resilient and curious cat, in to primary class today. He “cried” (meowed loudly) all the way there and back again. We let him out of the carrier on the way home and we curious and quieter. He performed just right once he was in the classroom, and I think it went well. The lesson was on faith in Jesus Christ, and this is why the cat was there. When the kids tell people about him being there, the person they are telling have to believe them and have faith, just like we have to believe that Jesus was here and have faith he lived on Earth. One of the children happened to be gone just when the cat was there, and when he came in they told him about what the cat did (jumped on the table, etc) and we used that as an example of the stories of Jesus life we read in the scriptures. Hope it was okay to bring him in!
Once we got home and I was ready to go to work, I had Ben snap a couple pictures of me and my belly. It turns out that I don’t like them, but posted one on Facebook anyway. I figured it is a milestone picture; I’ll have more pictures taken soon.
My day wasn’t too busy at work, I worked on blog entries mostly.
Saturday February 21st, 2009Written Wednesday February 25th, 2009
I worked at the bakery. I didn’t have a lot of cakes to do, but something took up my time, talking to customers maybe.
Once I got home I didn’t want to do anything, but I knew had to get ready to go out to meet Sarah. I treated myself to an ice cream cone. I had been sure to pick up a box of sugar cones at Walmart the night before since I had wanted some for a few days. It wasn’t really ice cream though, I had sherbet. It’s raspberry, strawberry and blackberry; it’s good, but I’ve learned with this carton that I really do like “stuff” in my ice cream (or sherbet), I had been adding mini chocolate chips to crunch on. It was good with the cone.
The Bradley instructor emailed me back and confirmed that we will be starting classes next Friday! She said we will have homework, exercises, and need to keep track of nutritional intake. I feel a little like, “Oh boy, what are we getting into?” but figure that it will be good training and we could very possibly be glad we did it all in the end. I’m not sure what I will be instructed on for my nutrition (I’m guessing to be sure to get enough protein to avoid toxemia), and maybe that’s why I’m splurging right now.
I eventually headed out on an hour drive to meet my friend Sarah where she lives. We had planned to go out shopping and out to eat. When the time came, I felt like I was giving up time with Ben, and I expressed that to him at one point on the phone when Sarah and I were in different cars. I wanted to spend time with Ben since I feel it’s little and precious. He felt like he was getting a “real day off” since when he does have a day off of work I usually want his time! I didn’t get upset about it since I can relate to that sometimes when I want to read and all Ben wants to do is talk and interrupt me. I figured I’d let him have his time to play his games. I’ve learned though to be glad for the interaction Ben wants to have with me, and not get upset about him distracting me.
On the way out there, Marina called because a customer was complaining that the roses I had placed on the side of a cake (as she had requested) had fallen off and was upset. Marina was having a hard time offering her something to console her at all (bring the cake back for a refund, bring it back and we’ll fix it, etc), and she eventually hung up on the customer! The customer said she had gotten cakes at a grocery store and the roses never fell off (yes, but do they put roses on the side of the cake?). Marina called me to see if it was possible for them to fall off (they were obviously still on the cake when the customer left with it), and I said that unfortunately, yes they could though I hadn’t had it happen. Perhaps it was because they were placed on chocolate icing instead of buttercream. Marina complained that all the customers lately seem to be extra penny pinchers, and want something for nothing. She thinks it is because of the bad economy right now. Anyway, I was feeling bad about it. I want everyone to be happy with the cakes, and I felt bad that Marina was having to deal with an upset customer because of my cake!
Sarah and I shopped for another bra for me (the one I recently got is a little small in the rib cage) and a long plain black skirt (the one I have suffocates me), and found neither. We also looked at shoes. Sarah found some cute boots, and I was limited to flat shoes because I’m pregnant. It’s a little hard for me to just get flat shoes because I’m a high heels kind of girl. I found some great black suede pumps that were cute and fit me and were a great price, but Sarah was being the practical voice and dissuaded me from getting them, “You may not wear them while you’re pregnant, but imagine having to run after a one-year-old in those!” I eventually found a pair of black shoes with a 2 inch wedge that are slip-on with no back, good for pregnancy. I also got a burgundy wrap maternity shirt, and a book I heard about called “The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy” at the first store we stopped at – a second-hand store called “Multiple Miracles.” They are geared toward helping mothers of twins and triplets and it reminded me that I almost had twins and felt a tiny tug on my heartstrings. I didn’t want to let it bother me though.
While we were at the first store I got a call from a woman that Marina told me about earlier at the bakery. She told me that she had found someone to work on the bakery website. When she told me my heart sank. She told me the woman wanted all the passwords and files and access to it. I went along with it and didn’t put up a fight about it and told her I okay. I did, however, tell her that I’m feeling like I’m being asked to hand over my baby because I worked so long and hard on the site. She seemed to immediately understand, and was sympathetic and reassured me that she didn’t want me to feel that way. She said they really like the site, they just want to add some more pictures, update the menu and catering pages. They did talk about possibly paring down the number of cake pictures in the future. She said they won’t be drastically changing it, and she thinks I’ll like it (though I don’t like the idea of having caricatures of us on it, the site just isn’t that style). I said that I feel like if she wanted changes to be made, I would have happily done them for her. Then she brought up a valid point that I would need to spend a lot of my time there taking the pictures she wants, and she needs me for cake orders. She also said that this was a one-time deal with the website woman and after that Marina would have me do any maintenance or minor updates. I understood and went along with it all and cooperated.
So, when the call came from the website woman I was a little prepared, but I still felt like I was handing my design and creation over to someone else. She was very nice though, and said she really liked the site, and was going to keep the bones I had created (just bones, huh? I thought). She also really enjoyed the cakes I had posted pictures of as well and said I was very talented. (Marina had mentioned earlier that the website woman thought that more than one person had worked on the site, but nope, it was all me, baby!) I didn’t have all the access information with me, so later that night I found it all for her and emailed it to her, reluctantly. I felt like something was being taken from me, but I tried to make a conscious decision to let it go. Just like I may spend a lot of time on creating a cake, I have to let it be eaten. But, I also equated it to spending a lot of time on a cake, then handing it to someone else just to say, here, draw and scribble all over it.
I hadn’t eaten in a while and I was pretty hungry by the time Sarah and I stopped to get her two boys and eat. We went to Olive Garden, but the wait was nearly an hour long, and I just couldn’t wait that long to be seated, then finally order and eventually eat. So, Sarah made some calls and we ended up at Bertucci’s because they had no wait. The food was good, I had salmon and spinach and asparagus, and topped it all off with chocolate gelato. The boys (5 and 3) were good most of the time, better than they have been before, but certainly still messy.
Once I got home, Ben and I went to bed a little bit early without preparing a lesson. Ben said he would call me in the morning and we could prepare it together over the phone.
Friday February 20th, 2009Written Wednesday February 25th, 2009
I had a prenatal doctor’s appointment. It was quick, but there was enough to be substantial. First of all, I had written the time down wrong in my PDA, and as Ben and I were waiting to show up for our 10:45am appointment (and just after I relieved my bladder) the receptionist called to remind me I had a 9:45am appointment that morning. She asked (I think) if we could come in at 2:45, but I said we were 5 minutes away and could come in right then. So off we went, almost half an hour earlier than expected. I drank a bunch of water before heading out the door so I could try to give a urine sample.
I checked in, and the receptionist made us think that we were overdue on a payment, “You have an outstanding balance,” she said. After questioning, she admitted that it wasn’t overdue, she just wanted to know if we would like to pay it then while we were already there. So we did.
After a short wait the nurse had me give a urine sample, and simply from being pregnant (and maybe from drinking all that water), I was able to produce enough. She took my blood pressure and had me step on the scale. I was admittedly a little bit afraid of the scale because of my last visit, having gained 10 pounds in 4 weeks. I had been weighing myself at home, though, since the last visit and new that the gain probably wouldn’t be as drastic. She gave me a form to bring with me to the hospital during the second week in March to go have my sugar screening done, the one for gestational diabetes. She said I could just walk in any time during the week, and plan to be there for an hour since I have to drink the orange sugar drink and see how it affects me. I have to remember to do this.
The nurse used the little Doppler wand on my belly again, and Ben and I smiled at each other as we heard the “whoohh, woohh, woohh…” of the baby’s heartbeat. She said it was pumping at 137 beats a minute.
Soon the doctor came into the exam room. She reviewed my charts and said that everything looks good. She reported I gained 4 pounds and said it was perfect (relief), my urine looked clear (it looked yellow to me), and the anatomy scan looked “awesome” (I already knew that, but it’s good to hear again). She measured my tummy and said I was growing great, my belly measures at 27 centimeters.
When she went to measure me, she noticed something right away and said, “You have a fungal infection on your skin.” I was a little taken aback. She asked me how long I had the rash, and I didn’t know. I thought to myself that my skin on my stomach had been itching, but I thought it was because it was stretching out, and at one point after scratching that spot I looked down and thought it was red because I scratched too hard. She said that it is probably just yeast, and said the names of a couple different lotions that would help with it. She didn’t seem to be overly concerned about it, and Ben mentioned that he gets that kind of spot on his chest sometimes. I couldn’t see it very well from my angle, but its right a long my waist line to the right of my belly button. Afterward I was wishing I remembered the lotions she mentioned so the itching could be relieved if that would help.
She asked if I wanted to eat a lot, and I said I was, to which she said, “good!” She asked if I was having any symptoms I was concerned about, and I was happy to tell her no. I did tell her that I was having a little of the achiness in my lower abdomen I was having before, but my headaches had gone away. I forgot to mention the moodiness, but I already know that’s part of pregnancy anyway.
She asked if we had any questions, and to my surprise, I had none. Ben didn’t either, but that didn’t surprise me. We were out in a flash.
On the way home Uncle Jared called! That was a nice surprise. Our conversation was brief (I think he feels a little uncomfortable on the phone like the rest of my family), he wanted to give me addresses and contact info for his family that I had requested, but I asked him to email me because I was in the car. He asked me how I was, and I was more than happy to tell him the pregnancy is going great and I feel confident that all is well. I was glad to have just gotten the reassurance again from my doctor.
Ben had to go off to his dog job, and I went off to the bakery. Afterward we had to attend to the chore of laundry. We had already put it off for a week (remember, we really needed to do in on Valentine’s Day?) and Ben had been wondering how we had survived during that time.
As we were in the car, Ben said that we will be moving before the baby is born. He said that we must. Ideally, of course, we’d like to buy a house (I’d like 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms), but Ben said worst case scenario is that we end up moving into another apartment with a little more space and rent. So, I asked him, “You’re saying that the worst case scenario is not going to be that we stay in the apartment we are in right now?”
I was glad to hear his reply, “No, it’s just not an option.” We’ve been wanting to move for a while now, and I think it’s come down to the last minute. Ben’s mind has been working on this, and has come up with a couple plans that he has since started to try out. We’ll see how everything falls into place over the next few weeks. I’m feeling relieved that something is being done about this. Even though moving during pregnancy will undoubtedly be tough and unpredictable, I think it is something we need to do. We have barely enough space in our current place for the two of us, let a lone a baby and any visiting helpers that may come along! I know babies themselves don’t take up a lot of space, but their things do. This is a picture of our apartment. We have only the top two floors, the first floor is a different apartment.
When the baby started moving again early in the evening, I told Ben he could probably come and feel. But, he didn’t want to. I was a little baffled and asked him why. He basically said he has tried and he hasn’t felt anything as he waited, he said he wants to wait until it is for sure. I was confused about the “for sure” part, but I didn’t question him about it. Does he mean that what he felt is for sure the baby, or that what I’m saying is the baby really is the baby, or that the baby’s movements are more predictable and sure? I haven’t pressed him on the issue, but I’m a little sad that he doesn’t just leap at every chance to possibly feel the baby moving. Ideally, I’d love it if as soon as I say, “You might be able to feel him moving now,” he’d drop everything and run over to place his hands across my belly to feel anything he can feel.
This is Ben and our youngest kitty, Jewel. She's his little "precious."
A little later on we went out and returned a couple things to a couples stores (I tried some hair cream to tame my frizzy dried hair, but it only made the ends sticky), checked out the liquidation sale at Circuit City (nothing worth getting) and ate at Taco Bell (yum). I’ve been surprised at how much I can eat now. It used to be that I couldn’t eat a lot of what was on my plate, but not so anymore.
We tried to stay up and watch Conan O’Brien’s last show, but we were both too tired, so we set the DVR to record it and went to bed.
Thursday February 19th, 2009Written Sunday February 22, 2009
I didn’t get to see Ben all day except for when we were waking in the morning. I had an urge to press my cheek against the bare skin on his back, and it gave me a glimpse into understanding a baby’s need for skin-to-skin contact with his or her mother after birth and during breastfeeding. It’s a need for contact through the human touch. Interesting how this translated for me. I’ve got baby on the mind.
I went off and worked 3 hours at the bakery. Once I got home I wanted to open a package we got from Galesburg, but I didn’t have time to and Ben wasn’t there anyway. I know we both like to be around for package opening, and I didn’t want to leave him out.
I went to work at Lifeline an hour early for another meeting, this one about audit challenges and developing a test audit.
I got frustrated by people at work and their attitudes. One associate basically told me that she doesn’t pay attention to my emails because I’m not the senior or manager on her team. She had ended up missing an important email I had sent her a few months ago and it caused a big problem this weekend. Goodness. I had to tell another associate something to do in a case when all she wanted to do was tattle-tale one someone and she mumbled about me on the way to her desk. Later she also complained about another associate’s actions in a case to someone else that we’ve had to discipline for that kind of thing. Maybe I shouldn’t be listing these things in order to remember them, but they were a part of my day that raised emotions in me, and these are things I have to deal with as part of my current supervisory job.
I did think my outfit was cute that I wore that day. Just something simple that showed off that I’m pregnant. I wore a long black knit shirt with cap sleeves and a princess waistline. It was low cut and I wore a lime green scoop-neck t-shirt shirt under it.
I read more of “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” at lunch break. I’ve enjoyed that more than going and watching TV in the break room on my break. I’m surprised about how much I’ve been able to read. I’m not a reader, but I’ve really gotten into learning about pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and infant care. I’ve felt a confidence boost after reading these books, and this one is a great one. I feel like my determination to breastfeed is a good choice I can be confident in as being the best way to provide nutrition to my baby.
I wanted to have a birth plan worked by this time to be able to give to the doctor the next day, but I think that I’ll do that for our next appointment. I was thinking I would just put it together, but now I’m thinking more that I want Ben to be involved in that, especially now that we will be taking the childbirth classes together.
After work I opened the package that Mama sent. I had looked at buying the book “What to Expect the First Year,” a book about babies, when I was at Target with Ben, and remembered that Papa mentioned they had it for me so I didn’t get it. That book was in the package! There was also a pair of little tiny socksies, and some cute itty bitty Onsies. I couldn’t believe how small they were and so cute! There was a tiny sleeper and a top. Very nice, I didn’t have anything in those sizes, just right for little newborns.
Then, the best part, I found that Mama sent me the journal she kept when she was pregnant with me and after I was born! I was surprised and pleased. She had asked me if I had it, but I didn’t know. Apparently she found it! This will be great to read. I started to look through it, and saw she included pictures. I started to feel like crying, so I put it down! I couldn’t handle it right then! I’ll get to it when I’m ready and up for it. I’m so glad to have it and so glad that she kept a journal for me! I am using this blog as a journal now. I’m getting more open about what I’m recording, and hope to share this with my baby when the time comes. The journal Mama sent is precious to me! (I still need to call her and thank her!)
Wednesday February 18th, 2009Written Sunday February 22, 2009
I went in to Lifeline early again for another meeting by 11, and was out at 7, and I was sure feeling ready to leave.
I wanted to just go home, but I had a La Leche League meeting. The meeting ended up being nice and I was glad I went even though I didn’t want to (I knew it would be that way). This time there were more women in my situation. There was one who is pregnant and due in 5 weeks, and another woman brought her 4-day old son for nursing help!
We had some nice discussions, starting out with adjustment to motherhood. Some women found they needed to relax their expectations (the leader gave her example of not making her husband fold the rags her certain way), or learning that staying in bed most of the day with the kids is just what has to be done (that woman had twins and an older child). I said that Ben and I have been married for nearly 9 years and we are used to it being just the two of us, and we kind of have our ways set right now, and I feel like this will probably be a big upset. I also mentioned that I have a lot of younger siblings, but Ben isn’t used to being around babies, so it may be the biggest adjustment for him and I’m not exactly sure how to help him out and get him prepared. Though I know he will make a great dad since he’s good with kids and loves his nieces and nephews. A couple of the women reassured me and said that their husbands didn’t know the first thing about babies, and hadn’t held them, but once their babies were born, it somehow came to them naturally, and that may happen with Ben. That helped me feel a little better.
I also said I wanted to learn to nurse laying down so I could get more sleep at night with the baby, and I also wanted to learn to nurse discretely in public since I like to get out of the house. They agreed that these are good skills to have and will be very useful and supported me in learning how to do it. They gave me pointers on clothes that work best for public nursing, and talked about positioning for breastfeeding in bed. The woman who brought her 4 day old son was welcomed to stay with her baby and bring in her husband for pointers on positioning. I wanted to stay, but I figured that when it was my turn, I could get the help I needed.
The mother with twins (they are 2 ½ now) had to have IVF. After the meeting we talked a little and she understood my concern over doing another round of IVF medications and the timing of possible weaning. I want to be able to try again soon for another child, but I’m not sure how long my baby and I will want to breastfeed, and if I would have to wean before taking all that medication. It may be possible that I could continue to nurse, or wean temporarily just to go back to it in a couple months (“pump and dump”). I know I have some time before coming to that point, and a decision can be made then, but it is something that has been on my mind.
She and I also talked about the woman in California who had IVF and gave birth to octuplets recently. She had the same idea I did when I found out about it and all the rage people have. I don’t think that since she is a “taker” (on welfare and unmarried), and already has 6 young kids, that she should have tried for so many more at once. However, it starts pointing out that there is a grey area about who says how many children someone can have. Regulations may start being put into place as to limit family size. Hopefully not. Ben and I want to have a large family. I just don’t want to have to deal with doctors who say that I already have enough kids at home, and don’t want to do IVF for me. Of course there is the adoption option, but from Mama’s experience, even adoption agencies can put up a fight about how many kids are already in the family. Ben says not to worry about it, that we are responsible adults who will able to take care of our children ourselves and give them a father and mother based loving family environment, and that is different than this woman who isn’t able to give her children most of these things. The people who are supporting someone via welfare, etc, are the ones that should have a say in family size, but people who are self supportive, should be the only ones to make that choice.
There may be more regulations on how many embryos can be transferred and that is understandable. When Ben and I had our last IVF cycle, we asked to transfer 3 embryos, but the doctor said no, only 2 (the octuplet woman had 6 transferred). I can understand that a multiple pregnancy can be a greater risk on the pregnancy and the children.
There may very well be people who have a bad taste in their mouths about IVF because of this, and that’s my only option.
It snowed again, darn it! They were big sparkly flakes that reminded me of edible glitter I sometimes sprinkle on cakes. The wiper blades on the car need to be replaced.
I went to se Ben at the library where he works at Framingham State College and stayed until it was time for him to leave. It was only half an hour, and we left for home together.
Ben started to watch a movie when we got home, so I just went upstairs and read. Right now I feel like movies are a waste of time, and I don’t want to stick around long enough to get involved enough in them to become “trapped” and be drawn into watching the whole thing.
Tuesday February 17th, 2009Written Sunday February 22, 2009
I worked at Lifeline 8:30am to 5pm for a training meeting for an upgrade on our call recording software. I had been involved in this the week before, and they invited me back. I had lunch with the quality auditing girls, they say I look cute pregnant and are excited for me. That was fun.
I could have stayed until 11:30pm, but after sitting in the meeting all day in a hot room, I was tired and wanted to get out of there. I went home and wasn’t sure what to do, Ben said I would be bored if I left so early. Ben wasn't home and it almost felt like there was no point in being there. When I called Ben I just wanted to nag or talk about nothing. I had asked him to take down posters he has up in the living room because I was sick of looking at them. When I got home I noticed he took down two. I thanked him for that, but brought up the other posters he left up, and he didn’t like that much. I have to be careful to look for the good things that have been accomplished, rather than focus in on those that haven’t been done yet. I have that tendency from Mama.
Ben said to go ahead and email the Bradley instructor I’ve been communicating with (she’s new, but the only one that can teach on Friday or Saturday and fit into our schedule) and let her know that we will take the classes! It’s interesting that I had been thinking that if we didn’t take the classes, I would be okay with reading books right now. I guess I had been feeling like it wasn’t going to happen (the classes are 12 weeks long, and I only had less than 15 left) and had to satisfy myself some other way.
I ended up going out shopping a little late, and went to AC Moore to get some more Foam core to make jewelry “boxes”, Marshalls to see if I could find some more maternity clothes (I found a cute red dress), Target (got a royal blue satin dress with an Asian neckline), Taco Bell (for dinner) and McDonalds (for an ice cream cone). I stopped by Barnes and Noble to see if they had the latest issues of the cake decorating magazines I like, but they closed 45 minutes earlier! I was getting “kicked out” of each store I went to because they were closing. I felt like I hadn’t gone out and shopped in a while and I was having withdrawals.
I put on the little red dress I got that I plan to wear over a shirt and pants, without the shirt and pants for when Ben got home, but nothing came of it. Sometimes I feel unattractive, especially more now that I’m getting bigger. That’s been one of the hardest things for me about being pregnant. I’m not just getting a bigger belly. I worked so hard for just over a year to lose weight and lost 60 pounds. It made a big difference and I liked it. But, since I’ve been pregnant I’ve been gaining weight, and it’s been a tough transition to switch gears on that (though it isn't very hard to eat!). I’ve been feeling a little better about it, though. Ben says not to worry about it, I have awesome weight-loss skills and I’ll be able to lose it all again. I hope I’ll have enough determination and will to do it again.
Monday February 16th, 2009written February 19th and 22nd
The sun was shining again and snow was melting. I was feeling pretty good, and this time I had “It’s gonna be a bright, sun-shiny day” stuck in my head.
Went to post office to mail a couple reunion packets, but they were closed because it was President’s Day. I always forget about that one.
I slipped off and went shopping before work and got myself a much needed new bra and a couple shirts. The store, Filenes Basement was closing and claimed to have a great sale, but it wasn’t that big a deal. I sent straight to work after that since I didn’t have time to stop at home.
Work wasn’t so bad except that I was feeling a little frumpy, and again I wasn’t wearing any makeup. That’s been happening more often lately.
Ben was watching Harry Potter when I got home, I didn’t want it on, but at least it was quiet and I was going to deal with it, until moments later he turned up the volume. I ended up saying, “Oh!” in a complaining voice and Ben angrily said, “What?” He knew what I was going to say. I didn’t want the movie on. So, he reluctantly turned it off, but I felt bad because he was already watching it, and he was eating and usually likes to watch something when he eats. So, I finished up with whatever I was doing and grabbed my book and told him he can watch it ‘cause I was going upstairs. I didn’t hear it get turned back on again. Sometimes I feel selfish.
Sunday February 15th, 2009Written Sunday February 22, 2009
I had a little insomnia during the night, but it wasn’t disturbing. I wasn’t frustrated by it; I was pretty much just laying in bed thinking. I don’t remember what was going through my head, but I felt peaceful.
After coming downstairs in my church clothes, Ben said I’m getting more pregnant every day! He’s been noticing that I’ve been growing, and it’s harder to hide it! (Though I haven’t really been wanting to hide it)
In sacrament meeting the baby was kicking, and I could look down and see it! He was kicking my belly button and I could see the bumping!
I prepared the lesson this time since Ben did it by himself the week before, and it went well with only three children. The lesson was on the restoration of the church, and I came up with the idea of having a big cup of clear water representing the church when Jesus was on the Earth. Then, we talked about after he died people started making changes and teaching things that were not right, and as I talked about that, I added drops of food coloring to the water and they had fun watching the color swirl around until the water was black. Then, we talked about Joseph Smith and the restoration of the church, and brought out another big clear cup of water saying that the true church is back again, with its true teachings. Ben and I think it was a success.
I spent a lot of time working on getting The Artorium site up and running again at work. It took some puzzle solving, but I got it! I’m thinking of doing some format changes on it.
The baby was really kicking hard, sometimes he kicks hard enough it feels like my whole body moves!
Valentine’s Day, Saturday February 14th, 2009Written February 16th and 19th, 2009
Ben was already at work when I awoke for the as it usually is on Saturdays and Sundays. I worked at the bakery, and even though it was a holiday, it was a casual day because I didn’t have very many demanding orders. Gwen, one of the cashiers, has been helping me out a lot, too. It was fun to hear fellow coworkers say I’m looking pregnant, and that my belly is showing more.
I got home a little before Ben did, so I lightly stuck Valentine stickers all over his desk and computer monitors. He thought it was cute and enjoyed it when he discovered it upon his arrival.
Ben and I went to Walnut Hill School (a high-school age boarding school for the performing arts – particularly theater, music and ballet) and saw a showing of 4 one-act plays. (He had been keeping an eye on their calendar the last few weeks for date night to see if there was anything to attend.) It was an interesting contrast between Ben’s high school plays that he has just recently been transferring from video tape to DVD. I asked him at one point as he was doing this to turn off the sound so I wouldn’t have to listen to the bad acting. (I was being honest, but maybe a little too honest!) These plays at Walnut Hill were obviously done by kids who were being seriously trained. Ben and I agreed that we enjoyed going to something like this again after not going for so long. Though we didn’t think that some of the material was appropriate for high school aged teenagers, some of it was genuinely entertaining.
We hung out at home for a little while as I took a short nap on the couch. (Well, really its loveseat size and I have to curl up on it a bit.) I wanted to just stay out all night long instead of head home at all, but I knew that Ben had been at work all his day so far and he usually needs to get on the computer. I dressed up in my satin red shirt, Ben looked nice in his grey sweater from his mom from Christmas, and I liked the wool coat he wore with it (it was one Gabe gave him).
One thing I’ve been dealing with since I’ve been pregnant is my nose. I’ve gone through boxes of tissues. Occasionally there is a little pink from blood, but on this day it was more like a minor nose bleed. It was bright red, but wasn’t pouring out. I’ve read that nosebleeds happen in pregnancy sometimes, so I wasn’t concerned, but a little surprised.
I got a little inspiration on how I could store my necklaces and easily see them when I wanted to choose which to wear. So, I used a piece of foam core I had and started working on it. I have also been using a wall-mounted earring case that I made from foam core and would like to eventually have it made from wood like a jewelry case; and as I was making the necklace part I could imagine it being a higher quality and working well from wood and velvet. I think others would like it too.
After a little bit of urging, Ben was ready to out to eat, so I put my project down and we headed out. We went Ruby Tuesday and had a nice meal. I had some leftover steak and sides to bring home. It’s a whole other meal.
Ben wanted to go home and rent a movie from the xBox, but I wanted to go to Target. So, we went to Target and I ended up feeling bad because I took too long (about an hour), and Ben said it was too late to watch a movie.
We never did exchange “Happy Valentine’s Day” to each other. I should have been happier with my Valentine's Day, but I wasn't. I think I had certain expectations, and I hadn't communicated them to Ben. I knew about that already, I had learned that he can't read my mind from other valentine, birthday and anniversary experiences. I think I was hoping for something from him, even something small like a card, flowers, chocolates, a valentine or even a note, or stickers on my desk, some kind of effort related to the holiday. Am I too wrapped up in what everyone else thinks should be done on Valentine's Day? During the last couple weeks he was talking like he wanted to try to find a videography "gig" for doing a wedding on Valentine's Day. To me, that gave me the message that Valentine's wasn't a big deal to him and he could forego spending this love holiday with me. I tried not to make a stink about it, and even attempted to get him a gig when I found out about a co-worker getting married that day. Ben also said during the week that we needed to laundry on Valentines Day, but I told him I didn't want to have to do that then, that it would "stink," but he didn't fight me on it and we ended up not doing it. (We still need to! The weekends are our only chance.) I entertained the thought of getting a hotel room Friday into Saturday, but I knew it would cost a lot for us right now, and I'm not sure it would have been appreciated. What do we really have to get away from right now, anyway?
I was feeling torn that I wasn't more grateful for what I did get that day. He called me out of the blue when I was at the bakery just to say "I love you." We did go out to see a play together (though I felt like we would have gone even if it wasn't valentine's day), we did go out to eat (it's something I really enjoy, but maybe since we eat out sometimes already it didn't feel special enough. It's what we do for every occassion, and this is our last Valentine's Day without children). We didn't do laundry. I think it's my fault that I didn't have a good Valentine's Day. I didn't communicate with Ben well enough what I wanted or expected and ended up focusing on that instead of the good things about the day. I needed to be more thankful.
I think it was that night that Ben admitted to being a homebody. He said that he is quite content to stay at home where he is cozy, and doesn’t feel a need to get out and be with people. He said that I used to claim to be an introvert like him, but the fact is that I like to get out of the house where people are, I’ve just been shy, though not so shy anymore. I do like to get out of the house, and I’m not content to stay at home all the time, but I don’t know if it is so much to be where people are; perhaps it’s that I like the activity. I was somewhat relieved actually, that he acknowledged that he is a homebody (it’s funny that he even used that word). I guess to me it means that he realizes that we have different needs and that’s a step in the right direction to help us both understand each other better.
Zippity Doo Dah Friday February 13th, 2009Written Monday, February 16, 2009
It was a great day on Friday, the sun was shining bright and I rolled up all the blinds to let the light in. I didn’t work at the bakery, and I spent most of the day cleaning. I was able to deep clean the bathroom and sort through things and make it more like the way I want it to be. (Don’t tell anyone, but I had enough energy to get on my hands and knees to wash the baseboards and clean behind the toilet!) Ben did a little sorting of his office things too after he got home from work, and it was nice to have him working on that.
I think I had needed some sunshine, and it was good to get some things accomplished that had been bothering me. For part of the day I had the song in my head, “Zippity doo dah, zippity aye, my oh my, what a wonderful day!” What a contrast from one day to the next! (And who says Friday the 13th has to be a bad day? Right Jasmine and Aaron? Happy Anniversary!!)
Ben and I ended up staying home all day. I was reminded that Chinese food from a can isn’t as good as fresh food or from a restaurant, even though I tried to make it better by adding my own chicken and broccoli. I’ve hardly had food from a can in a long time now, if it is from a can, it’s usually soup. Ben and I vastly prefer fresh or frozen vegetables, and I don’t eat tuna right now.
Want to Show Off My Little Round BellyThursday, February 12th, 2009 (yes, written that day!)
I went to the bakery today even though I didn’t want to get out of my warm bed with my sweetie. I actually didn’t decorate any cakes today, but instead made phone calls and talked with customers. I won’t be in tomorrow, but will be on Saturday.
While I was there I started feeling nauseous again. I had a small bowl of cereal before I left. The baby was moving around after a while and it almost felt like he was really turning in there again and it was making it feel like my stomach was churning. I had to sit down. I told Marina what was going on and she grabbed me some oyster crackers and Sprite. It didn’t last a long time and I was feeling better soon enough. It’s a strange feeling, kind of like being spun on the merry-go-round after eating too much, or riding a roller coaster.
Marina sent me home with a few pastries for me and Ben to share for Valentine’s Day. It was generous of her. I look forward to trying some out.
I was only at the bakery an hour and a half and it was nice to go home with a little time before work even though I had to go in an hour early again for a meeting. I got glued to the computer. I chatted with Janina a little, and checked on Facebook. I looked at my cousin Erin’s artwork and was impressed, and believe it or not, started feeling a little bad! But then I realized that I have a talent, too, I decorate cakes! So I decided that I’d post some pictures of some of my best and favorite cakes, and worked on that. I enjoyed getting encouraging feedback from people.
I only got to see Ben for a few moments when he got home before I had to dash off to work. He was glad to see me still there and was hoping that my meeting was cancelled so we could be together for a little while. That made me feel good.
The meeting went well; it’s nice to be working on a special project. Thoughts of going home early from work went through my head, but I made it though the day. I forgot to bring my book with me to read at lunch, and I almost didn’t know what to do with myself!
I’ve been feeling some pains in my lower abdomen again.
I wore a t-shirt like shirt to the bakery that I wore before the pregnancy and it was form fitting on me and really made my round belly stand out. It kind of excited me and I wanted to show it off, but decided I better not wear it to work. I wear an apron at the bakery to cover myself, so it isn’t as big a deal there. I think it’s time for more pictures!
Wednesday, February 11th, 2009Written Monday, February 16, 2009
I was missing my Benjamin. I wanted to stay at home from work just to be with him. But, alas, I needed to go to work. I felt like going home early, but I figured I may as well stay. Ben wouldn’t be at home and I would just be lonely again.
I didn’t have much energy, and wasn’t feeling very “perky.” Jamil noticed it when I got in. I kept more to myself. I didn’t feel like writing any journal/blog entries. I was hoping for a good Valentine’s Day though.
Tuesday, February 10th, 2009Written Monday, February 16, 2009
I had to go in to work early for meetings at Lifeline, so I worked 10am-6:30pm. The meetings were productive and I felt like we were accomplishing a lot on the project we’re working on. I’m helping to develop audits for test calls.
Jamil, my co-supervisor (who’s just 4 months younger than me), really wanted to talk! He was reminiscing about when his 10 year old daughter was a baby and how precious she was to him. I thought it was sweet.
When I got home Ben wasn’t home, but I could see that he had been gathering more videography supplies. He wants to be able to get “gigs” on Saturdays to record weddings and put them on DVDs for people inexpensively to start building a portfolio to get started on it. I do make wedding cakes sometimes; he might have a connection there and vice versa.
I was feeling lonely that night at home. I could have gone out shopping, but I didn’t really feel like it. It was cold outside, and I didn’t feel like making the effort to visit Ben at the library either. It was nice to have Facebook to be able to make some connections. I’m also glad for Yahoo! Instant Messenger so I could talk to my family, too. My thoughts are with Katie, I hope she will be able to feel better about herself and work out of her depression and be happy again. I’m not sure what to do to help her.
I was feeling like I wanted some companionship and remembered that I have a La Leche League meeting coming up and invited a couple of my friends from work to go with me. The one who has a three month old baby declined, and I felt sad about that, and it spawned my loneliness. The other one is due to have a baby at the end of March, and I still haven’t gotten a reply from her yet. I’d like to have another mommy that’s around the same stage as me as a friend. There are a couple other sisters at church who are expecting, but I just don’t see them or connect with them much. There is a girl at work who is due just a couple weeks after me, but she is so young and in a different situation in life (unmarried and clueless) and I don’t feel a kinship with her enough to share this kind of thing, though we like to talk about how we’re doing when we see each other. I’d love for Ben to be able to go to the La Leche League meetings with me, but men aren’t allowed! (And he has to work)
Monday February 9th, 2009Written Monday, February 16, 2009
When I was still in bed in the morning, for some reason I rolled over to my back and pushed! Ouch! It hurt the muscles in my lower abdomen! I’m not sure why I did that, it just happened.
For breakfast I had a couple bowls of cereal and milk, and not long afterward the baby started doing what felt like back flips and it made me nauseous! I felt sick and had to lay on the couch. He was making my stomach churn by kicking on it while it was full of liquid! I hadn’t felt like that in a long time.
I have been reading the book “The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding” by La Leche League International. I read it during my lunch break again. I’ve found it to be an interesting and informative book. It’s another one that I’d like Ben to read, and would recommend to family and friends. I look forward to being a mommy and nurturing my little infant and experiencing the miraculous joys of motherhood.
I couldn’t help but experiment a little and take off my bra and squeeze out a little wetness. It actually thrilled me and couldn’t help but show Ben! Everything is working the way it should so far!
It was also on my mind that I’m approaching the “survival point.” That is the point in pregnancy when a baby can be born and have a good chance of survival. It kind of relaxed me. Of course each week that I’m still pregnant is better for the baby, but at least we will still be having a baby that can survive no matter when he decides to come!
Sunday February 8th, 2009Written Monday, February 16, 2009
Ben and I both wanted to stay home from church, but we went anyway. Ben taught the class alone today since the women were having their visiting teaching conference. I feel like I haven’t been to Relief Society in like three years, or more! They had some treats for us like quick breads and brownies and I was glad because I was starving by the time church was over.
Ben had a tough time with the class alone. He showed them a video but I guess they were still rowdy.
One of the sisters, Alice, gave me some baby things! She has three little boys. It was generous of her. She gave us a wipes warmer, a curved changing pad for a changing table with terry-cloth covers, a sling for carrying the baby, and a couple of boy jackets. I’m enjoying getting gifts and getting prepared.
One of the sisters, Dana, in the ward is in charge of the stake play. They are performing Charlotte’s Web. She asked me to design the programs like I have for the previous stake events. That’s as involved as I have the energy to be right now, and it’s enough.
I had been feeling stressed, the bad day before wasn’t helping. I admitted to one of the grandma sisters in relief society that I was feeling emotionally needy, and she understood, chalking it up to the pregnancy. That’s about right. I also admitted to someone else that I was feeling stressed that everything felt like it was coming up so quickly. I think I was feeling overwhelmed. I’ve been feeling fine physically though. I think it was just the part of the process where reality really starts to hit.
It was interesting for me to discover and share with Ben that I found evidence of leakage in my bra! I had just read in one of my pregnancy books that this might start happening. It was exciting to me that my body is preparing to care for an infant, and it felt wonderful to be a woman!
Saturday, February 7th, 2009Written Sunday February 8th, 2009
I didn't have to go in to the bakery, that has been kind of nice. I missed Ben though, he was at work again at his second job. I didn't feel like sitting at the computer all day again (I'm at the computer at work so much, and I kind of get into "zones" sometimes) even though I wanted to get some things done. Instead I did some work around the house de-cluttering again. I've been starting to get nesting urges, I don't think it is signaling the end of the pregnancy, but my anticipation of it and knowing that we want to move before the baby is born and wanting to be prepared for that as well.
I ended up having a rough day. I wanted to get out of the house, but I didn't know how to ask Ben for it especially since he was involved in his video stuff again. I at least wanted him to declutter his "office" area, too. He recognized I was wanting something from him, and put it together that I had been cleaning my space and figured that I wanted him to do the same. Somehow, he got it, but it took him a long time before he started on it.
I've been getting frustrated lately that I haven't been able to communicate as well as I feel like I used to. I've been having a tougher time expressing my feelings and my wants. I know the brain shrinks in pregnancy and there is such thing as "pregnancy brain," but could this really be part of it? Or am I just still trying to be a sweet wife when I'm feeling so emotionally needy and want so much from Ben right now? Am I afraid of setting him off when I know he is already under pressure? I just feel somehow like I just can't speak sometimes, my brain won't work. I can't figure out how to make it happen.
I was feeling like my day was wasting away, and I couldn't figure out why. I knew I wanted to accomplish things, but I didn't know quite what. I did clear out some clutter and made progress that way, I gave Ben a haircut, and I made a loaf of bread in the bread machine and we enjoyed that together, but something was missing.
I did want to get out of the house since I had been home all day and I'm not used to that. Then I started getting worried about when after the baby is born I'll probably be stuck in the house all day for days on end! I didn't know how I would be able to handle that. I also got concerned that Ben would be at work alot and I would be alone, and when he would be at home he would want to just relax and do what he wants like he does now. The thought of all this intimidated me. I don't know really what everything will be like until it happens, though.
I started feeling stomach stress pains and popped a couple Tums to help me feel a little relief. I hadn’t felt that in a long time since I haven’t been worrying so much. I’m not quite sure why it hit me so suddenly. I was feeling bad enough that Ben asked why I was leaning my head on my desk. I told him I was frustrated because I wanted things to get done but didn’t know how to make them get done. I also wasn’t feeling satisfied with my day and didn’t want the whole week to start again the next day yet.
I did end up getting myself out of the house (though I would have preferred Ben was with me) and went to the Walgreens a block away. I had needed some tissues again since my nose is runny or congested all the time. I think I’ve sneezed more in the last 5 months than I have in my whole life! I got some cleaning supplies and miscellaneous things. It did feel a little better to get out and do something.
Now that I’ve thought about it, it probably would have been good to pick up the scriptures and read a little.
Friday, February 6th, 2009Written Sunday February 8th, 2009
I went to the bakery and only had a few cake orders, but was was an involved scultped cake that took most of my time. I relaxed when I got home and finished reading the Bradley book. I have found it to be enlightening. I gave it to Ben and he agreed to read it to help him decide about taking the Bradley Method classes or not.
I was feeling a good amount of movement in the afternoon, and Ben tried to come over and see if he could catch any of it. He stayed for a while at one point and thought he felt something move slowly across his hand, but I didn't feel anything myself. We'll keep trying!
We ended up going out on a late date to TGI Fridays with a coupon and had a nice dinner together. I really like to go out to eat. That seems to be something I look foward to on date nights.
A Little PonderingThursday February 5th, 2009
I didn’t have to go in to the bakery today, so of course I slept in. Ben was gone walking dogs by the time I got up and missed him. I got ready for the day and read more of the Bradley book. More interesting stuff! I feel like recommending this book to my family, but I’m not so sure if I should or not. Parts of it are pretty extreme and opinionated, but the genuine concept is something that I’m finding to make real sense.
I really like their belief in husband-coached childbirth. I think it’s beautiful how they encourage the husband to be nearly as involved in the laboring and birthing process as the woman is. I could imagine it would make a husband and wife feel even closer and more connected at such a miraculous time in their lives. He isn’t just standing around waiting for the baby to be born, but takes an active role in helping the woman in her needs, watching for signposts, and directing her or coaching. I would really like to have this.
I like the explanations about what the body does during birth and what happens with the baby. This is part of what has relaxed some of my anxieties, as well as their encouragement that labor can be experienced without it being an agonizing, horrible process. The book talks about techniques and skills and exercises that can be learned to help the woman relax and not fight the progression.
I went in to work an hour early again for a meeting today. I got pretty hungry and was glad I stopped at the cafeteria when I got in before they closed to grab something for me to eat after the meeting.
I’ve been feeling a little bit of sharp pain across my lower abdomen this evening.
I also feel a little guilty for doing some complaining about Ben. I’ve gotten frustrated that he has gotten into what I felt like was another hobby of learning about videography. I’ve wanted him to learn about baby and birthing stuff and have felt like I’m going at this alone, trying to make decisions without his input. But today he told me he feels enormous financial pressure right now. Not only are we going to be having a baby, but we want to move – preferably buy a house! I suppose I have been selfish. He has been thinking about us, and making efforts that he feels will help us out and I haven’t recognized that. I don’t know if I particularly agree with his chosen method of having to learn something totally new and experimenting, instead of going with something he already knows. But, I’ve wanted to spend time and a lot of money on childbirth classes. I feel bad for thinking he was all wrapped up in his new little distraction, but instead I have been all wrapped up in myself!
When I got home Ben was in a bit of a bad mood, and ended up apologizing to me after he snapped at me. He came and cuddled with me. He said he was sorry, and said that he thinks we are both feeling stressed because reality is setting in more now that I'm more than half way along and well into the new year and we have a lot to do. I didn't really realize that, but I completely agreed with him and started to cry knowing it was true. I also apologized to him if I hadn't been appreciating what he's been doing for us, and told him that I've been trying not to nag him too much. He said he could tell that I was holding it back and he appreciated it.
Day of ReliefWednesday February 4th, 2009
Got a bunch of reunion announcements mailed off! I sent 14 of them, and need more addresses for the rest of them. (If anyone can provide addresses, I need them!) That was a big relief!
I was pretty relaxed at work. I read more of my Bradley book on lunch, and more when I got home from work. I’m starting to feel some of my anxiety about birthing get relieved and I’m actually starting to get excited about it! Gaining knowledge helps abate the fear of the unknown.
Ben asked me, “So, what’s it like growing a baby?”
I smiled and said, “It’s pretty awesome!” I told him I like feeling the baby move. It’s all exciting and scary at the same time. I have to be responsible, then there’s all the work at the end! But, it’s great!
It’s a beautiful wonderful thing that I’m so glad I get to do! When Ben and I were starting fertility treatments, someone asked me about adopting and said something like, “Why put your body through all that, when you can have someone else do it for you?” Maybe I’m selfish, but I wanted to be able to bear at least one child. I dreamed of being pregnant ever since I was a child. And, I want to be able to make Ben’s babies! I feel like this has all been an honor.
Bloody dream, drooling and being hotTuesday February 3rd, 2009
Last night I had a disturbing dream that I started bleeding pretty bad and it wouldn’t stop. In my dream I didn’t know what was happening, and if it was a bad thing or not, I was confused about if it was a period. I have been feeling little bits of similar low aches as if menstruation would start, but nothing very consistent. I’ve occasionally had some round ligament pain, but not as much as in the first trimester. I’ve had a headache or three.
I found out today that Janina will probably be going out to Washington on a spontaneous trip to see Katie and Gramamom. Katie has been struggling with depression, especially since she and Jess slit up, and Gramamom was recently diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure. I want to be able to go out there too, but I’m just not sure if I would be able to make it happen and if this is good timing with the pregnancy and all. I feel selfish about that. And I HATE that money has any factor in it at all. I’d have to get the ticket, and have to take time off work. I have to start training a new manager the beginning of March, too. But, I guess it’s a matter of priority. I love my sister and my Grandma!
I went in to work a couple hours early today for a meeting and had to cut my conversation with Janina short. It was a meeting that was fairly complex, planning how a new software upgrade for recording calls will be used by different levels of management. After the meeting and went to my regular duties, I was concentrating on another project, and I suddenly drooled!! A little drip fell from the center of my bottom lip onto the paper in front of me! I couldn’t help but laugh and tell Jamil what had just happened. He thought it was funny too, and said I must have been really focused!
At one point today when I stood up after stitting for a while, I felt a lot of heaviness in my belly. It was like my legs were supporting me, and when I stood it was gone and everything was falling down and pulling.
I have also been feeling hot again lately, and was burning up at work today. It’s like Ben said, I’m an incubator right now!
Monday February 2nd, 2009written Tuesday February 3rd, 2009
I spent the day before work on reunion things again, finalizing things and getting addresses. These things are about ready to be mailed out! I’m exited for everyone to get them!
I was feeling glad to be pregnant, and rejoicing in the little things, especially that I’m feeling the baby move. I’m glad to have a round little belly now, too. I like that I have to wear maternity clothes; it means that I’m pregnant! I like talking to fellow pregnant mommies at work, too. There are a couple.
I was actually feeling over the last few days that I like my job, and that I may not want to quit after maternity leave. There are some exciting things happening, and I’m involved in making some of them happen. I’ve been invited to be on part of a couple planning and development committees. I told Ben how I feel right now, and he agreed with my ultimate sentiment of just seeing how I feel after my maternity leave is over, I may feel completely different.
I was really tired when I got home from work, and went to bed a little bit early. My brain was mixing up words. I was touching something hot and said, "Houch!" and when I explained to Ben that I was combining hoch and out, it didn't make sense. I finally got hot and ouch out!
Sunday February 1st, 2009written Tuesday February 3rd, 2009
The boys weren’t as bad this week as they have been the last couple times we were there. Ben and I are learning tricks to keep them under control. Their parents know they can be a struggle, so they told us to bring them to them if they act up, but we didn’t end up needing to. They like “story time” where we have them all sit on the floor in a corner of the room and Ben tells them a story (he’s good at that). This time it was about Joseph Smith’s bone surgery. They were enthralled.
I was starving by the time we were on our way home, and thankfully the primary presidency had given the teachers cookies. Ben and I ate all of ours on the way home. I hurried and got ready for work and ran out the door with hardly a moment to breath. I wore a pair of the new maternity jeans to work that are just barely a little tight around the waist, and a turtleneck that showed off my little bit of a “muffin top” with them. But the jeans were stretchy and so much more comfortable than what I have been wearing! I was a little bit self conscious, but had to keep in mind that everyone knows I’m pregnant and a belly is expected!
I think I had needed some sunshine, and it was good to get some things accomplished that had been bothering me. For part of the day I had the song in my head, “Zippity doo dah, zippity aye, my oh my, what a wonderful day!” What a contrast from one day to the next! (And who says Friday the 13th has to be a bad day? Right Jasmine and Aaron? Happy Anniversary!!)
